I’ve been a bit MIA recently. Or in the words of B, “things sounded bleak for a while there.”
Things have been rather tough. Or rather I’ve been rather blah. I’ve been blah mostly about my life direction, but I’ve also been blah about my relationships, work, where I am in life now, my business and I’ve been exhausted and unmotivated.
Two things that I’m not usually.
Which I know is shocking. I’m usually the girl who is bold and energetic and helps friends and family with their issues all while going, going, going and inspiring everyone. Yet, here I am admitting that I’ve just wanted to hide and cover and ignore everything.
Since the last time I’ve posted, I moved, I traveled, realized that I love someone, and I stopped creating. While that has gone on, I’ve stopped paying bills, stopped caring about paying bills, been a bit worried about not paying bills, cried over the person I love (okay, I didn’t cry that much), lost sleep, battled with myself, lost some weight, thought about all the stuff I should be doing, and then sat on the couch eating cereal.
I know! I know!
Often times while sitting on the couch eating cereal I asked myself, “Sara where did you go wrong? Where did you lose yourself?”
But I never answered myself. I just ate more cereal and thought about all of my friends that are married with three kids in homes with cars living that life while I’m sitting on the couch eating cereal working an internship and feeling sorry for myself. I wondered if maybe I had done something wrong. That I was odd because I don’t have that and don’t crave that just yet. Or maybe I’m just being silly because I did fall in love with someone, remember, and so maybe I was pushing that in a direction because I felt like I wasn’t living the dream I had once had?
Then something happened.
- I realized I needed to get my butt off the couch and start being proactive.
- I realized that my internship is going to end in two months, a little less, actually, and I need to figure out how I’m going to get money.
- I thought about how I really, truly, and deeply in my heart, want to make this business a go.
- I thought about how I need to desperately need to pay my bills so that I don’t completely ruin my credit score.
- I thought about how I might not have this life that I once thought I would have, but I have my life now and I am happy with it over all.
- I thought more importantly how I need to get Japan on my radar and start making things happen so I can start living this dream I’ve been talking about the last year and a half.
With that click, I put things into action.
- I dropped the morose feelings I had about the love situation. If it’s not working, it’s not working. I’m not an ass for falling in love. I’m an ass for pushing something that isn’t working the way I want it to work.
- I put an ad out in a community I joined earlier this year about freelance writing. I got two leads and I got two contracts. Which means, I’ll have something reasonable to keep me afloat while I travel.
- I decided to cash out my one retirement fund to make Japan a reality (Suze Orman and many a financial guru might disagree, but this is my life after all) and I started putting my kickstarter page together (announcement coming soon, because lord knows I’m going to need your help!).
- I started to be grateful for my internship and the amazing people I work with and the experience.
- I shook off the feelings of misery for putting my stuff in storage, while sleeping on the couch in my aunt’s apartment.
- I decided to start designing again, with vigor and passion.
- I signed up for some markets to interact with customers and get my name out.
- I read Danielle LaPorte’s Fire Starter Sessions and ended up underlining half the book.
- I started thinking of a financial plan for this all.
- I thought a lot about the World Domination Summit (post coming soon!) I had attended earlier in July and remembered how the truth of it had made me cry in awareness and Chris and his team had invested in me to go out and do something amazing.
- I did two of my last three card making sessions at the NYPL and had a blast!
- MOST IMPORTANTLY: I decided to be happy. Or at least to act happy until I am 100% happy.
When I did, I got more customers, got two writing contracts, started talking better to the person I had fallen in love with, and felt a bit more stable to sit on the couch and watch the Olympics, while tackling projects like balancing my business accounts.
In other words, I stopped feeling sorry for myself and I started feeling grateful for what I do have.
In the process of feeling sorry for myself and crying over my storage situation, I realized I was beating myself up for something that is the way it is. That I need to be kinder and gentler to myself. That my life is my life and it’s been an amazing journey and I’m so lucky to have had this journey and for it to keep going.
Something else I realized is that I’ve got some AMAZING people on my side. Some amazing and supportive people. People who would do anything for me and who I need to remember when I’m feeling like cereal and the couch are my only friends.
Which is why I’m back to writing.
I felt so overwhelmed those few weeks that I couldn’t write more than a facebook status with song lyrics. Which is why people felt I was about to jump off the edge.
For the past two weeks, I’ve been regaining Sara little bit by little bit and you know what? On Tuesday, I went and bought a new pair of running shoes. My first pair since 2010 (yes, I ran the NY Marathon in shoes that were old!) and it felt great. It was the one action that let me know I was back on the right path.
I suppose I’m telling you that I’m back. I don’t want to say that I’m 100% back, but I’m 85% back. I’m glad to be back, but I’m glad to be hungry and moving again.
I’ll be announcing some big things, I hope in the next two weeks. Hopefully you’ll be here to see/hear/read about it.
Let’s do this!