This past Sunday I went to Bear Mountain for a hike. I woke up ridiculously early, at 5:45 am (which is late because I was supposed to be on the road by 6am), made breakfast, took a quick shower and headed to the garage to pick up my car. I was on the road by 7am and at Bear Mountain by 8. Which was great!
It was more than great. It was beautiful.
I didn’t get to spend nearly as much time on the mountain like I wanted, I had to return the Zipcar by 11, but the time I spent on the mountain and in the car driving both there and back were worth waking up early, paying for the Zipcar, and risking climbing some steep rocks without health insurance.
About a week ago, I had decided that I needed me time. I needed to get in a car, listen to loud music, sing along to Backstreet Boys (yes, I still have Backstreet Boys songs on my ipod)
I have been feeling overwhelmed lately and full of emotions that I haven’t been able to explain myself. Nothing bad has happened, but I’ve just felt the need to be alone. To get in tune with myself and to actively hear myself while outside of the noise and chaos of the city.
Originally, I had planned to disconnect from the internet that weekend, but that proved too difficult. So I didn’t, but I limited my time on the internet.
Which I think is the reason why I needed to be outdoors in nature last weekend-I needed to disconnect from the internet and from the busyness that has become my life recently. Running an online business is difficult and it has me connected at all times of the day, even when I’m supposed to be sleeping. Bear Mountain was my way of saying, “NO MORE!”
I don’t want to get too into depth on why I was there because it was a personal morning for me. But I am including some photos and I will tell you that I got clarity that I needed for my emotional self as well as my business self.
See, I’ve been doing a lot lately. I’m in the middle of packing, in-between homes, my internship will end in September, I am planning on going to Japan in October, I am selling at markets, making new products, trying to figure out what I want to do with my business, stressed out a bit about my youngest brother going to college this fall, and lastly wondering what it is about me that hinders me from doing certain things. Tons of things about the future, I know, while doing my best to be in the right now, which is a struggle, but I’m getting a hang on it.
And so as I moved along Bear Mountain and took in some sights and just breathed the mountain air, I felt more balanced that I’ve felt in a long time. I felt in the right now. What’s more, when I got back into the car, I put some music on, cried a bit and let my hands wave out the window. It was magical, it was inspiring, it was exactly what I needed.
I was home by 11 and I immediately dove into projects I needed to get done in the right now. I felt so incredibly alive and want that feeling more often- the feeling that I can get away, feel my inner self and hear my thoughts a little more loudly and clearly, and indulge in a feeling of freedom that I don’t often find in NYC.
I think the other big part of this was losing the fear of falling or injuring myself. I don’t have insurance and haven’t had any since April 1st, which means that I’ve been super sensitive to the fact that even walking off the edge of the sidewalk could cause injury and I don’t have the means to take care of that. Now, of course, I know that if something is meant to happen, it will happen regardless of whether I am prepared or not. We don’t often control situations like this. Being on Bear Mountain reminded me of that. Not once driving was I concerned about injuring myself, no, I was concerned walking down and climbing up big rocks.
As I wandered down a path that was all large rocks, I thought, “I could fall and a. no one would know I’m here and, b. I don’t have insurance to get myself back together if something were to happen.” Yet, I climbed the rocks down anyway and back up again. As I did, I realized that this feeling is for naught. That I can go down and up with no fear. My fear is, while not illogical, completely unnecessary. If something were to happen, then it was going to happen and I can’t control that no matter what, so fearing going down and up some rocks is the least of my worries.
That’s what I needed to remind myself. That everything I’m experiencing right now, I’m experiencing it and it doesn’t lessen unless I tackle them. I can’t tackle them unless I give myself time. I’ve got a lot of rocks to climb and a bit of fear to leave behind.
Pictures below are of what I saw on my brief mountain top journey. I will be going back again. I plan on even calling the area north of Bear Mountain my home one day. We’ll see. I hope you work out your fears and rocks as you will.