I am impatient. I’ve always been impatient.
I’m also a bit of a perfectionist. I’ve always been a perfectionist. The story that tells you just how much of a perfectionist I am involves a five-year-old Sara learning to color in the lines. The story, according to my aunt, goes something along the lines of this: “You laid on your stomach, with your crayons and the piece of paper in front of you and you slowly tried to color in the lines. When you realized that your coloring was going outside of the lines, you started to get upset and then suddenly, you stood up with the piece of paper threw it to the ground along with some crayons and then jumped up and down on the piece of paper.”
And that is how that went. I later learned how to color in-the-lines and I can say that as an adult I am quite capable of coloring in-the-lines, but I always go back to that story of my-five-year-old-self when I’m confronted with anything-a dilemma, an issue at work, a design that just isn’t working, or simply any moment when I’m being a brat.
Recently, I’ve been feeling more and more like a bratty, impatient, perfectionist Sagittarius. Bratty, impatient, perfectionist Sagittarius is upset that things aren’t going as fast as she’d like them. Bratty, impatient, perfectionist Sagittarius is miserable at her day job. Bratty Sagittarius is anxious. Bratty Sagittarius is stifled, and therefore unhappy. And so bratty, impatient, perfectionist Sagittarius is exploring options for change. Because something has to change.
I’ve openly discussed my feelings of unhappiness and impatience before, but today, I’m exploring how being a fiery sign along with being impatient and a bit of a perfectionist is inspiring me to make some changes.
We can look back to my posting a few days ago called, “Cloudy Sky, Dark Thoughts,” for full details, but whenever I’m faced with the feelings that I’ve been feeling, one thing always strikes me-that I never know how to react to feeling THESE particular feelings. These feelings actually cause an imbalance, so much to the point where I feel like I need to do more and move faster to get away from them. I’m not a fan of this because it causes me to miss the small things-the things that would normally make me smile and happy in the overwhelming sea of societal demands, uncertainty, and self-doubt. Nonetheless, I’m experiencing them now. The only difference is that I’m aware and I’m willing to let them run their course, but I’m also implementing change, to better deal with them, but also to move in a more efficient manner.
This week, part of me not only thought of my 5-year-old-self from the story above, but I also thought about my 23-year-old-self. I don’t recall ever feeling this way at 23. Of course, I can’t quite go back to how I felt at 23, nor do I want to, but I know that 23-year-old Sara did not feel the weight of the world as she does now. 23-year-old Sara, felt free and motivated. 30-year-old-Sara feels free to an extent, but also feels impatient, fiery (although a bit dim), and a bit more full of perfectionist attitude.
Where do the perfectionist and impatient attitudes and feelings settle in? Well, just this week, one of the biggest things was the urge to purge. By purging, I mean, clothes, paper, anything that I don’t need at this time, or see myself using next year for that matter. In regards to paper, it’s the purging, or rather the decision to create “limited edition” pieces to sell both on Etsy and Celebrate Brooklyn! (an event I’m participating in this Summer selling some exclusive S2 Stationery and Designs products). It is not my intention to use the word “purge” negatively, but instead to use it in the strong, intense sense of the word. See purging is exactly what must be done in this restless feeling of demand that I’m experiencing. And not only does it have to be done, it has to be done correctly so that in a couple of months, I don’t experience the same feelings. It’s a tough, emotional, journey, but this is often the case when one attempts to find the road to contentment.
What I’ve noticed in the past few weeks, and this week in particular, is that when I experience these feelings, I react like a brat, but an unmotivated brat. A brat that doesn’t understand and therefore unleashes her angst on others. Much like the crayons and piece of paper that Sara, the five-year-old perfectionist took her anger out 25 years ago. This behavior is NEVER acceptable, no matter what, and requires that things (including my attitude) adjust, otherwise, S2 Stationery and Design suffers, as do I, should my friends decide they don’t want to deal with me and I become a hermit.
This morning, I woke up and realized that bratty, perfectionist, and impatient Sara needs to be put in check. The here and now is the here and now. And it requires a lot of my attention. There are lessons that I am learning in this moment that are a big deal. They are helping me get to the next point in my adventure and making sure that I know how to deal with the inevitable downs that will come be part of the next adventure. Until then, it’s not the fault of the paper or the crayons. It’s the fault of myself for having ridiculous expectations and the inability to give myself credit for all that I have been dealing with and holding together.
On that note, I must get back to creating some great pieces for Celebrate Brooklyn! (more about that next week) and for Etsy and working on my website that is in process and will be available to all of you on the world-wide web, soon!
In case I haven’t told you before, THANK YOU, friends and readers for being part of this adventure and dealing with me ups, downs and roadblocks along the way.