I think this goes without saying, but sometimes our thoughts are reflected in the weather. Or maybe the weather reflects our thoughts.
While I’ve never been one to fall into seasonal depressions, I can honestly say that this period of gloom, rain, and doom that NYC is experiencing is cramping my style and it’s making for one unhappy Sara.
Six out of seven days of the week, I am an optimist, but sometimes, just sometimes I fall off the optimism band wagon. I sink into that part of me that loves sitting in the dark listening to music by The Cure. Or as my horoscopes for the week states, “You are like a cartoon giant walking through a cartoon forest on Monday and Tuesday — an imaginative Goliath who’s sometimes in the mood to be alone. You have a beautiful vision for the future, but it’s all so overwhelming and vague that you wouldn’t be able to explain it to anyone. Yet.”
(Yes, I enjoy reading my horoscope. It’s fun. It gives me some extra added insight to things in the air. It doesn’t mean I wholeheartedly believe in what they say and they are definitely off on some days, but overall, I read them and think, “hmm…maybe.”)
Anyhow, the whole point of this blog today is to kind of vent. Not rant, just vent. I feel a bit like I’m on a slippery slope of uncertainty. I’m in that period of area of gray that I hate oh, so much. I like making decisions. Concrete decisions that have flexibility to them, but that have a date and a point of reference. I’ve gotten much better at going with the flow of things, but I feel like my responsibilities are getting bigger and I am not liking the feeling. It is only April 20th and I am swimming in water over my head it feels like. I know that I can not be the only entrepreneur feeling this way. I also know that I am not.
Several weeks ago, I was eating with a good friend of mine and she said to me, “Sara, when do you feel stretched thin? I am listening to you and I’m wondering when are you going to realize that between trying to help people figure out their feelings, creating and designing and working your full-time job, you are stretched way too thin.” She is right. And yet, I can’t just say “no, I can’t help you,” or “no, I’m too busy right now.” I mean, I can and I will start, but right now, all of the areas that I find myself involved in, I am committed to and feel very strongly about being committed to them, so I’m not just going to walk away.
But there you have it, the crux of what I need to do: learn that lesson about walking away and saying no. I have started to learn and I have gotten better at saying no and listening to myself and my needs, but at the same time, it’s still very difficult to say no especially when it comes to friends and loved ones. I suppose we all face this problem in life and even though we become more involved in technology, we’re still giving something of ourselves to others because we’re always “on”/connected to them. It’s hard to disconnect from obligations, responsibilities, jobs, friends and family and even life.
Right now, today, with the exception of my little brother’s visit, I want to walk away. I want to take a break. I want to say, you know what X, X, X, Y, and Z, I am taking Sara time. For the first time in a LONG time, I want to go to a beach and just sit in the sand and get sunburned. I want fruity drinks and tan lines. I want trashy romance novels and no internet connection. I want THE OHM moment that seems so elusive to me right now. Even if it’s temporary, I’d like a mini-break from my day-to-day. Then I’d like to return to my normal schedule full of energy and vigor, ready to tackle the next line of projects, or project that gets me closer to walking away from the biggest drain of my day-to-day.
I know that some part of this is dealing with the fact that my plans to Japan got derailed for a bit there. I am not in denial about that one bit, but after weighing the pros and cons of my decision, I came out with a pretty good feeling about 2011 sans Japan. I was sure that things were okay and that mind was in a good place and had come to terms with what we (meaning me, my mind and body) were about to embark on in 2011. But then, days like the last three have just struck me down harder than I ever envisioned.
I’m also aware that my antics the past weekend had something to do with my current state of mind–the lack of sleep and the abundance of alcohol did not help. Included in that are the fact that my lower back/left hip has been a nuisance and my scalp has been a whole different can on irritation, but I think all of this boils down to an undercurrent of stress and unhappiness that has taken shape in my life the past couple of months. Which I think made my adventure to Japan so much more exciting-I was going to just shirk everything off and move in a new direction in life.
I don’t want anyone to think that I’m depressed because I don’t think I am. I think I’m more muffled. I’m stuck in a gray period. And I think I’m wondering if everything I’m doing is the right thing. I know that I have an amazing about of belief and faith in myself and my work, but I think I’m also just seeking freedom. I also know/think that the passionate and spontaneous Sara is the one fighting to rise to the surface. She’s the one that is saying, “What the hell are you doing, Sara?! Wake up and move. Stop trying to lay in bed. DO SOMETHING!”
While this posting is about a lot of things, I think it’s mostly an honest output of thoughts on where I am in this moment on days that seem to reflect my state of confusion and blahness. It is always important to always look forward and positively, but I do believe it’s just as equally important to show what you’re going through as honestly and openly as possible. I don’t think anyone would like to read my blog if it were always rainbows and happiness. It would be a lie.
As a still new business owner, I definitely know that I am learning early on in the entrepreneurship boat that if you don’t take a moment to reboot and recharge no matter how hard you work to get things done, they won’t. I don’t want anyone to think that I’m advocating giving up or laziness, because I’m not. What I am advocating is listening and paying attention to the days when you feel like shit, when you don’t want to wake up, or your back is bothering you and your body just seems a bit off-balanced, or when you just want to walk away. They give you insight on how you should take care of yourself to help you proceed in the future and more importantly how you can change things up differently so that you can give of your time in the best way, instead of a way where you feel stretched thin.
Oh, and maybe you’ll also learn to just go ahead and book that beach trip after all, too! You’ll just have to wait and see what I end up doing…
Maybe this wasn’t a ranting blog posting after all. If you have any ways that you deal with days/weeks/months like this, please share! I’d love to hear how other people/friends/readers get a handle of themselves when they just feel tired and want to move away from things. We can all afford to learn a few things from each other.